my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Randomize
