And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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