i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
