I have demons in me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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