This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
