make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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