I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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