I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize