We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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