So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
