god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
