I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
