First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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