so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
