Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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