At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
