One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
