judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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