god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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