Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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