i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
