So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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