I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
