Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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