Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my being single is dangerous.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
