A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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