Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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