I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
