I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
