Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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