God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
