so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize