Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Someone signed my nipple.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
