Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I have post one night stand depression
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