don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
