God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
