one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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