Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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