yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
