honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
