You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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