His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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