Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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