she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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