Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
