DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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