I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I think I sprained my soul last night
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
