look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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