I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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