everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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