My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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