the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
