I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
