at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
