She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
