I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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