Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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