Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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